Monday, March 21, 2011

Climbing Mountains of Fear

Posted by Janna from Tami's journal.

I am facing the mountain again.  As I look up at the impossible task of conquering this climb, I almost despair.  Chemo is a huge hurdle; a huge mountain I must climb.  All too often it is a mental challenge…I need to climb beyond the physical issues of my illness.  My mental and emotional health has a big impact on my well-being.  My spiritual self suffers as well.  Sometimes I feel alone and abandoned.  I need to climb beyond this, this time.  Monday is coming…my mountain looms.  I must run towards the Giant, not away from it.

Duet 4:9, this promise was given to me this day, 4/27/10!  I receive it!  I will make known to my children and my children’s children how loving and awesome is our God :-).  Cancer has served its purpose; it brought me back to my purpose in life.  God, family, friends and focus.  I feel incredibly threatened and desperately vulnerable because of this disease.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t possibly matter to God; I feel so alone and so abandoned.  I need to hold onto His promises of eternal love, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  How wonderful to feel so loved.  So many are praying for me – what peace and hope that imparts to me.  I am a survivor!  Each day that I live, I have beat this cancer for that day.

Conquered the mountain yet again!  Thank you, Lord, for sending your angels of mercy – I felt them with me.  I am grateful for focus and renewed purpose.  I am grateful that I can encourage others.  This path takes work and discipline…I discover new joys each day.  God never asks us to do the impossible.  I can climb that mountain…not just to psych myself up, but believing that when I am weak, He is strong!  The valleys we enter on this cancer journey are very deep, dark and distressing.  Fear can be a constant in our lives.  I choose to remember today, I am never alone.  My circumstances can cause my level of trust to waiver wildly from day to day, BUT God never turns from me – He understands.  This profound darkness brings many hidden fruits we would have had otherwise.  So I can be grateful, even for this disease.

1 comment:

  1. I am always humbled by Tami's transparency and deep faith. She is so vulnerable and honest in her daily reflections. God is using her words to give encouragement to others even now as she sits at His feet. What a great gift she has blessed us with in her widsom. Good night, sweet girl. I love you, Valaine