Saturday, October 9, 2010


Awfulizing.  I read that term more than a year ago in the first book on cancer that I had ever read ( I could stock a small library with the books I have now!)  It was if this man, who write this book, was in my head.  He knew exactly how I felt and what I was going thru.  I will always be grateful to him for writting this book. 
It is very easy to awfulize everything about cancer...what's fun about it? It is that theif in the night (John 10:10) that only comes to kill and destroy. I did begin to realize that if I were going to survive, there were a lot of things I needed to change.  A lot! I was determined to stop awfulizing and get on with the fight.  I needed a warriors attitude; tough minded, fiesty, maybe even sassy at times.  This is a 'me' that few people know.  My parents, my sisters, my best friend.  I decided that I would be a survivor...for how ever many more years that Lord gives to me.
I have also learned that the very most important part of healing would be spiritual....not chemo, not radiation, not nutrition, not exercise.  All of these things are good and are needed, but our spirit...can't scrimp on that, it is our ultimate home! I was still working thru some tough years that had left me weary; I lost my spiritual self for a while.   This always leads to voids that we try to fill, but ultimately end up in sadness, frustration, anger. Even anger at God.  As if somehow He had caused all that pain and sorrow, turning away.  He hadn't.  He promises He never will.  I let the sorrows and pain of this world turn mine.  Now that is something to awfulize about!
So, our utmost focus must be spiritual.  After all, we are spiritual beings.  Good thing too as I was meeting with a 2nd oncologist...getting another opinion.  Gearing up for yet another battle, my 'team' was ready, every person knowing their job! Now that is a good place to be in!

Next post: Hair today, gone tomorrow?

Friday, October 1, 2010

Peace or Panic

I have learned that brokeness can bring wholeness in many ways. So. Cancer.  Cancer does not mean death- I learned that too.  I am ready to take charge; I am arming myself.  But, just how does one go about arming themselves for this battle?  How do you pack for this journey?  This is not just about killing cancer cells. It is about the daily journey; a path to wellness if you will.  So, bring it on cancer, I'm ready...ummm I think I am anyway.  Ok, so choosing wellness sounds good, but what does that mean?

The night before my surgery as I lay in that hospital bed I felt so alone; profoundly alone. Where was God? I needed to know that He was still with me, that I was not alone.  My  heavenly Daddy reminded me He would never leave me.

This battle, this journey, is as much a psychological and spiritual one as it is a physical one; more so, I think.  So how do we choose the path to wellness?  In large part it means choosing hope.  Those darn seeds of hope are tiny and they must be watered daily!  It also means that I will not choose to water the seeds of dispair or fear (why are those seeds always bigger somehow?) 

Wow. So my attitude makes that big of a differance in my healing?  Yep.  Turnes out it does...I have alot of work to do!  What I think and do totally matter.  I will still feel all of those feelings from time to time ( I am human after all) but I can choose not to stay on that path.  Cancer really isn't very funny.  So how do I not get stuck in the sty? Not knowing what lays ahead, how do I look for hope, joy, laughter, beauty?
Next post.....Stop Awfulizing......