Climbing Mountains of Fear

Posted by Janna from Tami's journal.


I am facing the mountain again.  As I look up at the impossible task of conquering this climb, I almost despair.  Chemo is a huge hurdle; a huge mountain I must climb.  All too often it is a mental challenge…I need to climb beyond the physical issues of my illness.  My mental and emotional health has a big impact on my well-being.  My spiritual self suffers as well.  Sometimes I feel alone and abandoned.  I need to climb beyond this, this time.  Monday is coming…my mountain looms.  I must run towards the Giant, not away from it.

Duet 4:9, this promise was given to me this day, 4/27/10!  I receive it!  I will make known to my children and my children’s children how loving and awesome is our God :-).  Cancer has served its purpose; it brought me back to my purpose in life.  God, family, friends and focus.  I feel incredibly threatened and desperately vulnerable because of this disease.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t possibly matter to God; I feel so alone and so abandoned.  I need to hold onto His promises of eternal love, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  How wonderful to feel so loved.  So many are praying for me – what peace and hope that imparts to me.  I am a survivor!  Each day that I live, I have beat this cancer for that day.

Conquered the mountain yet again!  Thank you, Lord, for sending your angels of mercy – I felt them with me.  I am grateful for focus and renewed purpose.  I am grateful that I can encourage others.  This path takes work and discipline…I discover new joys each day.  God never asks us to do the impossible.  I can climb that mountain…not just to psych myself up, but believing that when I am weak, He is strong!  The valleys we enter on this cancer journey are very deep, dark and distressing.  Fear can be a constant in our lives.  I choose to remember today, I am never alone.  My circumstances can cause my level of trust to waiver wildly from day to day, BUT God never turns from me – He understands.  This profound darkness brings many hidden fruits we would have had otherwise.  So I can be grateful, even for this disease.

Blue Skies

Posted by Janna from Tami's journal dated 4/5/10

Today I saw the bluest sky I think I have ever seen.  I mean it was BLUE - awesome blue.  These amazing patches of blue were peaking out from behind gray/white clouds.  Rain was predicted to fall, but instead we got these glimpses of perfection.  God spoke to my heart telling me (and showing me!) there is and will be Blue Skies behind the storms I am battling.

This week I have learned that the most important part of my healing is spiritual.  So many years of pain, sorrow and grief have left me in despair!  I grew weary; I lost my spiritual self.  In this void grew sadness, frustration and anger.  Even anger at God feeling as if He had turned His back; He hadn't.  I let the sorrows and pain of this world turn mine.  More than nutrition, more than exercise, spiritual healing is the key to my physical healing.  This will be my utmost focus.  Our ultimate home is spiritual, after all we are spiritual beings.

Cancer can coerce us into questioning everything, even if God really cares for us or not, or will help us in our distress.  It tempts us to give into fear, to doubt, to worry, to be negative.  When we are threatened by these thoughts and lose our perspective and confidence I must come back to scripture and meditate on His promises.  My faith cannot grow weary!  God did not create me to live in turmoil or pain!  Cancer must not define me.  I must turn away from sources of chaos and disarray and turn to my Source of Grace.  There is always Hope.  We have the last word on how Cancer shapes us.

This disease challenges you to change.  You learn to stop and smell the roses, literally.  Or run your fingers over pine branches as you pas them.  You breathe in the goodness of a cold breeze.  You live in the present; you enjoy each little gift to your senses that brings you joy, in the midst of your pain.  There are moments when I actually forget about the Cancer.  These are few and far between and I need to strive for more of the moments like today's Blue Skies.