Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Ever Been Hit by a 2x4?

Not a pleasent experiance, I would imagine. But being told you have cancer, in hushed, matter of  fact tones, as you lay naked under a hospital gown (countless indignities already having been done to you throughout this ER joy ride) just might come pretty close to knowing how that feels.  Cancer? Me? Really?  A profound sense of disbelief  floods me; my entire life has been turned upside down with those 3 words... I couldn't breathe.
It is an incredeibly disjointing, numbing experiance.  I was in a parade of shocks; a parade I don't remember being asked to participate in, mind you.  One after the other, the shocks begin sink in.  I'm in tears, I'm enraged, I'm filled with fear and self-pity. "Why God?" "Why me?"  HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?  Before long, the guilt creeps in.  Did I somehow cause this? What could I have done differently?  My brain is in a I going to die?  What about my kids?  What about all my dreams of travel and grandkids? On and on; I am overwhelmed.  I am thinking the very worst.  Panic and fear have settled in because of the unknowns.
On this journey of  thoughts, I allow myself to feel all my feelings and think all my dark thoughts....I need that process.
 Will  my heart ever be free from fear?  In my brokeness can I find a new normal?

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Oh those road blocks

So, it seems I have encountered another road block.  I will get back to my journey as soon I get home from the hospital!