Not a pleasent experiance, I would imagine. But being told you have cancer, in hushed, matter of fact tones, as you lay naked under a hospital gown (countless indignities already having been done to you throughout this ER joy ride) just might come pretty close to knowing how that feels. Cancer? Me? Really? A profound sense of disbelief floods me; my entire life has been turned upside down with those 3 words... I couldn't breathe.
It is an incredeibly disjointing, numbing experiance. I was in a parade of shocks; a parade I don't remember being asked to participate in, mind you. One after the other, the shocks begin sink in. I'm in tears, I'm enraged, I'm filled with fear and self-pity. "Why God?" "Why me?" HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME? Before long, the guilt creeps in. Did I somehow cause this? What could I have done differently? My brain is in a panic....am I going to die? What about my kids? What about all my dreams of travel and grandkids? On and on; I am overwhelmed. I am thinking the very worst. Panic and fear have settled in because of the unknowns.
On this journey of thoughts, I allow myself to feel all my feelings and think all my dark thoughts....I need that process.
Will my heart ever be free from fear? In my brokeness can I find a new normal?