Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Ever Been Hit by a 2x4?

Not a pleasent experiance, I would imagine. But being told you have cancer, in hushed, matter of  fact tones, as you lay naked under a hospital gown (countless indignities already having been done to you throughout this ER joy ride) just might come pretty close to knowing how that feels.  Cancer? Me? Really?  A profound sense of disbelief  floods me; my entire life has been turned upside down with those 3 words... I couldn't breathe.
It is an incredeibly disjointing, numbing experiance.  I was in a parade of shocks; a parade I don't remember being asked to participate in, mind you.  One after the other, the shocks begin sink in.  I'm in tears, I'm enraged, I'm filled with fear and self-pity. "Why God?" "Why me?"  HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?  Before long, the guilt creeps in.  Did I somehow cause this? What could I have done differently?  My brain is in a I going to die?  What about my kids?  What about all my dreams of travel and grandkids? On and on; I am overwhelmed.  I am thinking the very worst.  Panic and fear have settled in because of the unknowns.
On this journey of  thoughts, I allow myself to feel all my feelings and think all my dark thoughts....I need that process.
 Will  my heart ever be free from fear?  In my brokeness can I find a new normal?


  1. Oh Tami I am so sorry you are having to go through this journey. My heart just aches! I am so glad you are writing this blog and I look everyday to see if you have posted. I am sure my dad thought many of the same things that you have thought. That is one thing I never asked him and wished that I would have. The Lord healed him and he lived many years until the Lord called him home. I am not sure if you know this or not but he didn't die of cancer. He handled his cancer in much the same way that I am hearing that you are....with such strength and faith. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Please thank your friend for the update that she wrote.
    Love and prayers!

  2. Dear Gayle,
    I am sure that he did feel alot of those same things...they seem to be universal feelings those experiancing cancer. Thank you for sharing with me about his faith and is an encouragement to me as are your prayers for me as well :) Many blessings to you!