Climbing Mountains of Fear

Posted by Janna from Tami's journal.


I am facing the mountain again.  As I look up at the impossible task of conquering this climb, I almost despair.  Chemo is a huge hurdle; a huge mountain I must climb.  All too often it is a mental challenge…I need to climb beyond the physical issues of my illness.  My mental and emotional health has a big impact on my well-being.  My spiritual self suffers as well.  Sometimes I feel alone and abandoned.  I need to climb beyond this, this time.  Monday is coming…my mountain looms.  I must run towards the Giant, not away from it.

Duet 4:9, this promise was given to me this day, 4/27/10!  I receive it!  I will make known to my children and my children’s children how loving and awesome is our God :-).  Cancer has served its purpose; it brought me back to my purpose in life.  God, family, friends and focus.  I feel incredibly threatened and desperately vulnerable because of this disease.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t possibly matter to God; I feel so alone and so abandoned.  I need to hold onto His promises of eternal love, that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  How wonderful to feel so loved.  So many are praying for me – what peace and hope that imparts to me.  I am a survivor!  Each day that I live, I have beat this cancer for that day.

Conquered the mountain yet again!  Thank you, Lord, for sending your angels of mercy – I felt them with me.  I am grateful for focus and renewed purpose.  I am grateful that I can encourage others.  This path takes work and discipline…I discover new joys each day.  God never asks us to do the impossible.  I can climb that mountain…not just to psych myself up, but believing that when I am weak, He is strong!  The valleys we enter on this cancer journey are very deep, dark and distressing.  Fear can be a constant in our lives.  I choose to remember today, I am never alone.  My circumstances can cause my level of trust to waiver wildly from day to day, BUT God never turns from me – He understands.  This profound darkness brings many hidden fruits we would have had otherwise.  So I can be grateful, even for this disease.

Blue Skies

Posted by Janna from Tami's journal dated 4/5/10

Today I saw the bluest sky I think I have ever seen.  I mean it was BLUE - awesome blue.  These amazing patches of blue were peaking out from behind gray/white clouds.  Rain was predicted to fall, but instead we got these glimpses of perfection.  God spoke to my heart telling me (and showing me!) there is and will be Blue Skies behind the storms I am battling.

This week I have learned that the most important part of my healing is spiritual.  So many years of pain, sorrow and grief have left me in despair!  I grew weary; I lost my spiritual self.  In this void grew sadness, frustration and anger.  Even anger at God feeling as if He had turned His back; He hadn't.  I let the sorrows and pain of this world turn mine.  More than nutrition, more than exercise, spiritual healing is the key to my physical healing.  This will be my utmost focus.  Our ultimate home is spiritual, after all we are spiritual beings.

Cancer can coerce us into questioning everything, even if God really cares for us or not, or will help us in our distress.  It tempts us to give into fear, to doubt, to worry, to be negative.  When we are threatened by these thoughts and lose our perspective and confidence I must come back to scripture and meditate on His promises.  My faith cannot grow weary!  God did not create me to live in turmoil or pain!  Cancer must not define me.  I must turn away from sources of chaos and disarray and turn to my Source of Grace.  There is always Hope.  We have the last word on how Cancer shapes us.

This disease challenges you to change.  You learn to stop and smell the roses, literally.  Or run your fingers over pine branches as you pas them.  You breathe in the goodness of a cold breeze.  You live in the present; you enjoy each little gift to your senses that brings you joy, in the midst of your pain.  There are moments when I actually forget about the Cancer.  These are few and far between and I need to strive for more of the moments like today's Blue Skies.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

Posted by Janna and Ashley from Tami's journal...

The news was good and bad.  More battle choices.  As I lay contemplating and opening my mind during acupuncture, drawing in its healing and direction, the Lord, once again, let me in on a secret to share as I start chemo.  Just as His people were shielded from the angel of death by the blood, my good cells will be shielded from the poison of the agent of death called chemo – it will seek out and destroy only the cancer…I WILL keep my hair! 

Having bravado is easy before chemo starts.  It is almost impossible once chemo begins.  Being diagnosed with a rare type of colon cancer tumor can’t help but strike fear in your heart.  I mean I’ve always been unique J but I don’t want to be this unique.  I want so much to be brave and courageous for my children; but it is not always an easy task.  I put on my brave smile, but chemo sucks!

Cancer changes you.  More than any trial or hardship or circumstance.  This is life and death – this may be it.  How can it not change you?  The question is will it change you for the good or the not so good.  It would be so easy to give into the fear, the panic, the anger, the why me’s, and just give up.  As I lose weight, hair, get mouth sores, teenage acne – I realize these things are not the essence of who I am.  Knowing that cancer can lose some of its “grip” – it will never have the real me – my spirit or my mind.

Awfulizing

Awfulizing.  I read that term more than a year ago in the first book on cancer that I had ever read ( I could stock a small library with the books I have now!)  It was if this man, who write this book, was in my head.  He knew exactly how I felt and what I was going thru.  I will always be grateful to him for writting this book. 
It is very easy to awfulize everything about cancer...what's fun about it? It is that theif in the night (John 10:10) that only comes to kill and destroy. I did begin to realize that if I were going to survive, there were a lot of things I needed to change.  A lot! I was determined to stop awfulizing and get on with the fight.  I needed a warriors attitude; tough minded, fiesty, maybe even sassy at times.  This is a 'me' that few people know.  My parents, my sisters, my best friend.  I decided that I would be a survivor...for how ever many more years that Lord gives to me.
I have also learned that the very most important part of healing would be spiritual....not chemo, not radiation, not nutrition, not exercise.  All of these things are good and are needed, but our spirit...can't scrimp on that, it is our ultimate home! I was still working thru some tough years that had left me weary; I lost my spiritual self for a while.   This always leads to voids that we try to fill, but ultimately end up in sadness, frustration, anger. Even anger at God.  As if somehow He had caused all that pain and sorrow, turning away.  He hadn't.  He promises He never will.  I let the sorrows and pain of this world turn mine.  Now that is something to awfulize about!
So, our utmost focus must be spiritual.  After all, we are spiritual beings.  Good thing too as I was meeting with a 2nd oncologist...getting another opinion.  Gearing up for yet another battle, my 'team' was ready, every person knowing their job! Now that is a good place to be in!

Next post: Hair today, gone tomorrow?

Peace or Panic

I have learned that brokeness can bring wholeness in many ways. So. Cancer.  Cancer does not mean death- I learned that too.  I am ready to take charge; I am arming myself.  But, just how does one go about arming themselves for this battle?  How do you pack for this journey?  This is not just about killing cancer cells. It is about the daily journey; a path to wellness if you will.  So, bring it on cancer, I'm ready...ummm I think I am anyway.  Ok, so choosing wellness sounds good, but what does that mean?

The night before my surgery as I lay in that hospital bed I felt so alone; profoundly alone. Where was God? I needed to know that He was still with me, that I was not alone.  My  heavenly Daddy reminded me He would never leave me.

This battle, this journey, is as much a psychological and spiritual one as it is a physical one; more so, I think.  So how do we choose the path to wellness?  In large part it means choosing hope.  Those darn seeds of hope are tiny and they must be watered daily!  It also means that I will not choose to water the seeds of dispair or fear (why are those seeds always bigger somehow?) 

Wow. So my attitude makes that big of a differance in my healing?  Yep.  Turnes out it does...I have alot of work to do!  What I think and do totally matter.  I will still feel all of those feelings from time to time ( I am human after all) but I can choose not to stay on that path.  Cancer really isn't very funny.  So how do I not get stuck in the sty? Not knowing what lays ahead, how do I look for hope, joy, laughter, beauty?
Next post.....Stop Awfulizing......

Ever Been Hit by a 2x4?

Not a pleasent experiance, I would imagine. But being told you have cancer, in hushed, matter of  fact tones, as you lay naked under a hospital gown (countless indignities already having been done to you throughout this ER joy ride) just might come pretty close to knowing how that feels.  Cancer? Me? Really?  A profound sense of disbelief  floods me; my entire life has been turned upside down with those 3 words... I couldn't breathe.
It is an incredeibly disjointing, numbing experiance.  I was in a parade of shocks; a parade I don't remember being asked to participate in, mind you.  One after the other, the shocks begin sink in.  I'm in tears, I'm enraged, I'm filled with fear and self-pity. "Why God?" "Why me?"  HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME?  Before long, the guilt creeps in.  Did I somehow cause this? What could I have done differently?  My brain is in a panic....am I going to die?  What about my kids?  What about all my dreams of travel and grandkids? On and on; I am overwhelmed.  I am thinking the very worst.  Panic and fear have settled in because of the unknowns.
On this journey of  thoughts, I allow myself to feel all my feelings and think all my dark thoughts....I need that process.
 Will  my heart ever be free from fear?  In my brokeness can I find a new normal?

Oh those road blocks

So, it seems I have encountered another road block.  I will get back to my journey as soon I get home from the hospital!